Un-freaking-believable

Sometimes life is just weird. 

Before my mom passed away she spent the week-end with me and one of the things we did was discussed music.  Primarily James Taylor. She made a tape for me and one of the songs she included was "Fire and Rain".  She included it because I like it and even though she wasn't a big fan of it, she knew I liked it so it was her "present" to me on the tape.  So since she's passed, there have been times when that song plays that I just knew she was "playing" it for me.....like the time I was passing through the town she was born in and it started playing on the radio. It was a total "Hi mom!" moment.

Tonight, I absolutely should not be listening to the radio.  I was home and intended to stay there until I got a call from the electric company saying my bill hasn't been paid yet.  Which, it so totally has.  So after I call the electric company and inform them that not only did I pay $400 and something in cash...I even have a receipt for it.  So they're like "oh sure, no problem, just fax us the receipt".  So I leave the house in search of a fax machine.

I'm listening to the radio on the way to the fax and they're doing this weird story about how streaming funerals on the internet is the new greatest thing.  I don't get it, but I could see the benefit for a soldier in Afghanistan who can't get home to attend a funeral or something like that.  But they said that one benefit is that you're in such a fog at a loved one's funeral that you can go back and watch the funeral again later.

Um...no.

The fact that my mom's funeral is one big blur is one of God's greatest blessings to me.  I don't want to go back and watch it and relive the stupid thing.  I'm great with it being a fog of grief and despair.  I'm good with it being in the past.  Thankyouverymuch!!!  The second I have that thought.

Cue "Fire and Rain"...

Hi Mom and ha ha....

Thinking of Mom

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately.  She passed away 7 and a half years ago and tomorrow would have been her birthday. 

When I would write before she was always my "editor", "soundboard", "supporter".  It kind of makes me sad that she's not around to bounce ideas off of.  But then again it's oddly freeing because she was my audience and she and I didn't agree on a few things.  Now I don't have to fit it into what I think she would like, but what I feel like writing.  And it's also a bad idea to have a relative critique what you've written because then feelings get thrown in and then holy crap what do you do with that.  Are they rejecting your writing or are they rejecting you?  What the heck did they really mean when they said that that sentence was worded weirdly? 

And I've been struck again by how much she is missing.  I just found out that preliminary tests would show that I'm going to be an aunt again.  This will be niece or nephew # 9 (although, I'm leaning toward niece and I have mad baby predicting skills within my family).  Mom was around for the first 4.  4 have been added since she passed and the baby to be named later will be number 5.  Not to mention I got hitched and skipped the whole mom thing and went straight to grandma.  (I highly recommend it.  Grandkids and nieces and nephews are the best inventions ever.)  So I've got 4 precious little ones of my own that Grandma Jessie would have loved. 

But she made her choices and wherever she is maybe she's watching.